When you occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know. Take it out on someone you DON’T know!
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I dialed the number from memory and a man
answered, “Hello?” I politely said, “This is Chris. Could I please speak to Robyn Carter?”
Suddenly a manic voice yelled in my ear “Get the right f**in’ number!” and the phone was slammed down. I could not believe that someone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again. When the same guy answered the phone I yelled, “You’re an asshole!” and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an asshole!” It always cheered me up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. A guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his back window with a phone number and I wrote the number down.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too.
“Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”
“Yes, it is”, he said.
“Can you tell me where I can see it?” I asked.
“Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd.; the car’s parked in front.”
“What’s your name?” I asked.
“My name is Don Hansen,” he said.
“When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”
“I’m home every evening after five.”
“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”
“Yes?”
“Don, you’re an asshole!”
Now when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call!
Then I came up with a brilliant idea. I called Asshole #1.
“Hello?”
“You’re an asshole!” (But I didn’t hang up.)
“Are you still there?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Stop calling me,” he screamed.
“Make me,” I said.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“My name is Don Hansen.”
“Yeah? Where do you live?”
“Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd.”
He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. You better start saying your prayers.”
I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole,” and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
“Hello?” he said.
“Hello, asshole,” I said.
He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…”
“You’ll what?” I said.
“I’ll kick your ass,” he exclaimed.
I answered, “Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”
I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way to 34 Mowbray Blvd. to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 about the gang war about to go down on Mowbray Blvd.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of three cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
I feel SO much better! Anger management really does work …